We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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