I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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