walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize