He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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