three words: i give head
three words: not that well
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
