my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
