Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
