I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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