and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize