I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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