I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
