I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
