So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
