I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Damn victory sex feels great
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
