Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
