i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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