The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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