I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
