I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
