We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
