Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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