was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
