A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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