Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Be still, my beating vagina.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
