OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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