Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
