when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
