Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
