Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
