My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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