Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
