I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
