look no pants
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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