if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
God, I missed his penis.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
