Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize