Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
