Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
