he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Couch. On fire.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize