May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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