I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
