Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
