I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
