Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
