i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
