Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
