Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
