Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize