when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
