I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
