I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
