Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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