I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
