every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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