So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
