Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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