Yo dont text me then not text me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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