So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
