I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
