What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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