So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
